I’ve always been a people-pleaser. I love to make people happy and I hate hurting peoples’ feelings or upsetting anyone. I also have a massive problem with taking things personally or being criticized, even if it is constructive. So, basically, I’m a bit of a spineless wet blanket with massive insecurity problems. I don’t know how I turned out to be such a little softie, especially when I am blessed with a sarcastic sense of humour and a foul mouth. I am probably a good mix of both parents – my dad is soft-spoken and a general all-round nice guy, whilst my mom is fiery, sarcastic and blerrie hilarious. So there you have me – the dirty joker with a massive soft spot for all living things – even human beings.
This has left me with a bit of an identity crisis on Twitter. You see, I want so bad to be cool and sarcastic like some tweeters (no yays! or exclamation marks. In fact, not much joy at all. Just clever, catty remarks with fullstops), but then I also want to be positive and happy and joyful like other tweeters – you know the ones – lots of inspiring quotes, smiley faces and high-fives. I’m battling to find the middle ground.
Not that I ever used to give a shit about what I tweeted. When I first started tweeting back in 2009, it was to follow celebrities (you know that’s why you first joined too), to follow my friends and retweet funny jokes by comedians. But then I started writing a blog, and then I linked it to my twitter page and before I knew it, I had 400 people (not a massive amount, but still a pretty substantial amount, since I’ve never met many of them in real life and only about ten of my actual real-life Facebook friends have Twitter) following me and reading my tweets. Enter the ego-pumping re-tweet, the reply, the favouriting and the attention. They love me, they really love me! It’s like you’re a rockstar in your own little fake world. If I write a tweet and lose followers (this morning I had 410 followers, by lunchtime I had 405 and now I’m on 406), I’m like, oh my god, what did I say wrong??? Was it because I said “arsehole”? Did I sound too happy? Ah, man, I used an exclamation mark! Shit! I’m judging myself on what people I haven’t even met in real life think of me. Ah, social media, what a mind-fuck. (On a side note, since when did it become so hip to be mean and miserable?)
There is a fine line in the Twittersphere between sharing your thoughts and becoming an attention-grabbing social media whore (*cough* Amanda Bynes) and it’s scary to think that you can base your entire self-worth on the amount of followers you have and the number of re-tweets you get. I realised how bad my twitter/attention addiction was getting when I went away for three weeks and didn’t have access to 24/7 internet connection. I’d be doing something, think of a funny little tweet about it, and then realise I didn’t have my phone on me to send it out and share with everyone. I had to take a step back and evaluate what was happening. OKES, I WAS THINKING IN TWEETS. And then, when I finally did manage to get on Twitter, I was so lost and out of the loop that I’d just scroll through the feed and then maybe say something about my awesome honeymoon – to which people would reply that I should get off Twitter and back into the bedroom (rightly so). Now that I’m home, I’ve been on Twitter non-stop again, and I’m terrified that my followers are going to drop below 400. Every tweet I send, I send holding my thumbs, worried I might offend someone. Sad. I worry that the sarcastics will think I’m being too sweet, I worry that the spirituals will think that I’ve lost my way and I worry that my friends will not recognise who I am anymore (*cough* Amanda Bynes). I must be the biggest worrier and over-thinker in the world. But no more, I tell you, no more. I’m too old to worry about what others in the playground Twittersphere think of me, so from now on, when I do tweet I am going to tweet about whatever I feel like, whether it be a spiritual quote, a dirty joke or just a hiya to a mate. I will not be influenced by the tweeting hipsters anymore – I am who I am – a bit of a dirty-mouthed pirate hooker (in the non-sexual way), but mainly, and mostly, a big nerd. One of my last tweets of yesterday was about how stinky the pigs are on our neighbouring farm. No one really wants to know that, do they? But, hey, it’s my life (the farm, not the pig shit) and I’ll tweet about it.
Also, while we’re on the subject of Twitter, can we please bring back the re-tweet? Favouriting is for pussies.
One love. X
The vanity amazes me. Shotgun to the FACE.
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